Sohma Psychosis: a series of unfortunate events
by Elysian Darkness
Summary: There is only one thing more annoying than Kagura, scarier than Akito, sillier than Yuki's haircut, and involving about the same amount of swearwords as a conversation with kyo. Counselling sessions with the Sohma family. duhm duhm duhhhhhhhhm


Psychology and Counselling sessions Sohma style!

A brief interlude (cue annoying music) so I can tell you that I have yet to acquire the rights to the characters and everything in Fruits Basket. Thank you for holding, the line is now free and you will be connected too……(line goes dead because Akito just stabbed the annoying talkie voice who'll come back as tweetie bird.)

**Sohma Counselling Session 1.**

The letters had been sent out the week prior to the first event in sparkly purple envelopes that smelt like some of the tea Yuki had tried to make for Shigure in one of his 'attempts' at being housewife material. Needless to say Shigure had spat the tea on his manuscript, which subsequently caused Mii to have another emotional breakdown and end up in a psych ward for two editor free weeks of Shigure's life. If the envelope wasn't much of a give away for the reasonably unsuspecting zodiac members, the letter contained within it was clearly the work of one of Mii's friends from the psych ward.

_Well gosh howdy (insert zodiac member name here),_

_How y'all doin'? This here is just a letter to say that y'all are so gosh darn welcome (ie. forced to come by Akito or else!) to come to a little meeting which for convenience sake, will be corrallin' down at the main house at 11am)!_

_Now y'all go havin' a nice day!_

_-Reina Psychotica (insert lots of letters here)_

**The initial reactions of the zodiac members + akito + kyo+ tohru + akito's teddy bear (Mr Ted.)**

**Yuki: **ooooooooooh akito. Eep now I'm scared I better go. Psychological trauma if I don't. ...SAVE ME MISS HONDA!!!!!!

**Haru: **……which way is the main house? Oh. I live in the main house. Hmmm….moo!

**Kisa: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep **...(alright just kidding. Sort of.) maybe if I go, akito will give ME a haircut like Rin's and then maybe I won't be so adorable, and then Hiro won't love me!!!! Yay!!!!

**Momiji: **well gosh howdy there Hatori, yessiree I got me one of them letters, they're mighty purdy.

**Hatori: **kill. Me. Now.

**Ayame: **is so excited that runs out to find Shigure/Yuki/Hatori whilst still wearing "naughty nurse's uniform"

**Rin: beep beep beep! beep beepity beep beep. beep beep!**…..if I go will I liiiiiiiike vapid stare get another haircut? My ends are like so totally split.

**Hiro: **I will go, because I'm annoying brat who looks like a Hitler youth, and because if I go I can bust a move on Kisa oh yeah!

**Ritsu: **I'M SORRY WORLD! I'M SORRY CRAZY PERSON WHO'S SENDING ME THIS LETTER BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE CRAZY! I WILL BURDEN THE WORLD WITH MY EXISTANCE NO LONGER!!!!!! TREES HAVE DIED SO I COULD HAVE THIS LETTER!!! AND NOW I'M SCREAMING AND WAKING PEOPLE UP!!!! AND NOW I'M DOING ANNOYING COMMENTARY ON MYSELF!!!!!! AND NOW I SOUND LIKE DAVID ATTENBOROUGH!!!!! HELP!

**Kureno: **…..I want KFC. And then! And then! I want to WALK through the mc donalds drive through!!!!! And ask for twenty three grams of fat!!! And when they say they do not sell fat!!!!! I will ask for a large fries instead!!!!!

**Shigure: **fingers crossed pleeeeeeeeease let there be highschool girls! Or my cousins!!!!

**Kagura: **fingers crossed looking constipated and mad pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease let Kyo be there!!!!! ….I smell Kyo!!!!!! smells kitty litter and runs like the wind towards it

**Kyo: **…..WTF? oooh I smell like kitty litter, someone should bottle me up and sell me at a department store! I'm too sexy for a department store!

**Mr Ted: **help me!!!!! Akito dribbles in her sleep and Ren has turned me into a voodoo doll!!!!!

**Akito: **heh heh heh. Everything according to plan. evil Akito laugh, followed by dribbling on Mr Ted

**Tohru: **blimey…er I mean…I'm so grateful and happy, and the nutter…I mean nice person that sent me this letter sounds so….nice! takes more perky pills

**DAY 1. Part One: the not-very-good-really-at-all beginning.**

Haru was very displeased to wake up before 1pm, very displeased indeed, he had been practicing being a bat all week, and now something like this was interrupting his sleep schedule. For the past 156 hours straight Haru's parents had been driven mad, he had taken to sleeping during the day upside down on the roof, and after attempting to drink blood for breakfast one evening, he had decided that creaming soda was close enough to blood, and so he had been the hyperactive zodiac bat cow. As he had to go out in daylight, he had donned full bat regalia, his black cape which he had 'borrowed on permanent loan' from Hanajima's wardrobe, a lot of black eyeliner (courtesy of Rin) and some candy teeth (courtesy of the local supermarket). Momiji on the other hand was very very pleased to be going to …wherever they were going, he had spoken very loudly all morning, and had worn a dress. Needless to say Momiji was a morning person. For some reason they were riding their bikes across to the main house, Haru's was the bicycle equivalent to batman's bike (ie. black with floaties on the side) and Momiji's was pink with the requisite floaties on the side. Hatori joined them as they passed his house, unfortunately he was not on a bike, instead he walked, one Godzilla style pace to every five thousand times Momiji rang his bell.

Finally (for everyone except Momiji) they arrived at the main house, well…alright Hatori and Momiji did, but Haru was lost in the great heart of the urban wilderness that was his mind, and as a result of being spaced out, his bike had knocked through several sliding doors. He found himself in 'the cat room', well one of the cat rooms, obviously not the one you're thinking about, this room instead was devoted to Ren's collection of mad cats which she liked to hurl at people (mostly Akito) whenever she felt the urge, which was, dear readers, I am sad to say, a lot. Ren the mad cat lady of the Sohma family was there now, choosing which feline to throw at Akito today, so many choices. Haru's sudden entry into 'the cat room' had caused several of the truly satanic felines to become shall we say 'misplaced', and a particularly violent tabby had latched itself onto Haru's (ahem) nether regions. By the time Hatori and Momiji arrived after hearing the pandemonium Ren was tossing cats at Haru with the rapidity of Ritsu's apologetic fits. Akito arrived on the scene, and seeing his favourite bovine being assaulted, promptly started throwing the cats back at Ren together with Momiji who thought this was some sort of game.

As the cat throwing war raged on, Akito summoned Kureno to bring forth his secret army of ninja-chickens and rooster samurai's, deadly fowls trained in the art of combat, and what's worse….wearing nothing but sequins!

_GASP! By Beelzebub's stamp collection! What will happen next????????!_

_**Review or I'll set the ninja-chickens and rooster samurai's on you. No, I am not kidding, the threat of death by chicken is very real.**_

_this chapter was posted in loving memory of: Horace the gingerbread man (if he can't do it. no one can!)_


End file.
